From the Book: Divorce Amicably
This is a chapter summary from Chapter 6 of Divorce Amicably, a guide to navigating separation with dignity and cooperation.
Chapter 72 Author: Dara Marias
Dara Marias oversees Kainen Law Group's Holistic Divorce practice. Ms. Marias' practice includes three areas: (1) amicable divorce representation, (2) divorce mediation, and (3) holistic divorce education. As a Certified Amicable Divorce Professional with a Specialty Designation in Gray Divorce from the Amicable Divorce Network, Ms. Marias provides non-litigated divorce representation to clients who, together with their spouses, seek to resolve all their divorce issues outside of the court system. Ms. Marias is also Nevada's only Certified Advanced Practitioner with the Academy of Professional Family Mediators.
Understanding Loyalty Conflicts in Divorce
When a child hears disparaging remarks about one parent from the other, they often experience divided loyalties. This internal conflict can manifest in physical and emotional symptoms—such as headaches, stomachaches, withdrawal, anxiety, or even developmental regression. Some children may eventually “choose sides” just to ease the pressure.
As a parent, your response is critical. The goal is not to defend yourself, but to validate your child’s feelings, keep them out of adult disputes, and preserve their right to love both parents.
Practical Steps When a Co-Parent Undermines You
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Pause before reacting: Take a deep breath and manage your own emotions first. A calm response sets the tone.
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Focus on your child’s feelings: Instead of correcting misinformation, help your child name and process their emotions.
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Respond with empathy, not defense: Phrases like “I can see this makes you upset” or “I wonder if you’re feeling worried because of what you heard” keep the conversation centered on your child.
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Address disrespect calmly: Use constructive responses such as “I love you too much to let you talk to me that way” to reset the tone without escalating conflict.
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Validate without attacking the other parent: Reinforce that disagreements between adults are not the child’s fault and that both parents still love them.
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Preserve their relationship with both parents: Even when loyalty conflict works in your favor, model respect by reminding your child it’s okay to love both parents.
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Case Example: Managing Conflict with Emotional Intelligence
One father faced a loyalty conflict when his ex told their son that he was “violent” and “going to jail.” Instead of defending himself or criticizing the mother, the father focused entirely on his child’s fear.
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He acknowledged his son’s emotions: “Are you worried you won’t get to see me?”
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He reassured him: “Spending time with you and your brother is my highest priority.”
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He preserved the child’s bond with his mother: “Sometimes parents say things when they’re angry. You don’t need to worry—Mom and I will work this out.”
This approach not only eased his son’s distress but also reinforced trust and security.
Building Resilience Against Co-Parenting Challenges
Challenging co-parent dynamics can’t always be controlled, but your response can protect your child from lasting harm. By prioritizing empathy, focusing on feelings rather than facts, and shielding your child from adult conflict, you strengthen their resilience.
The real measure of success isn’t winning arguments—it’s raising children who feel loved, secure, and free from the burden of divided loyalty.
Build Stronger Bonds, Even in Conflict
Divorce Amicably offers practical tools to navigate co-parenting challenges and protect your child from emotional harm. Order your copy today and learn strategies to strengthen your bond with your child, no matter the circumstances.
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