Fair vs. Equal: Financial Planning in Blended Families
Blended families face unique financial and emotional challenges that traditional planning often overlooks. When remarriage, stepchildren, and legacy expectations come together, what’s fair rarely means what’s equal. In this article, Amicable Divorce Network member and financial planner Meredith Moore of Artisan Financial Strategies explores the complexities of financial planning in blended families and shares real-life examples to highlight why thoughtful, intentional strategies are essential for lasting harmony.
What’s Fair Is Not Equal: Financial Planning Realities in Blended Families
By the time I sit down with clients from blended families, these clients have already been through a mix of joy, loss, second chances, and a whole lot of financial complexity. One of the most important truths I share early in these conversations is something that shocks them:
What’s fair is not equal. And what’s equal is not fair.
This reality becomes especially clear in blended family planning. When elements like remarriage, stepchildren, businesses, adult children, and legacy expectations all converge, emotions and money become tightly interwoven. Even couples with strong communication and shared values can struggle when it comes to estate planning, asset division, or simply deciding how to treat each other’s kids.
Below are three real-life stories from my practice (names changed) that illustrate just how nuanced and critical this kind of planning really is.
Case #1: Dr. Robert and Claire — Financial Security and Family Harmony
Robert, a recently retired physician in his 60s, had adult children from his first marriage. He remarried Claire, a nurse practitioner in her early 40s who was self-sufficient and still working. They had a healthy relationship, strong cash flow, and mutual respect—but very different long-term priorities.
We started by clarifying the first big question I always ask blended couples:
Is your primary goal to create financial security for your new spouse? Or to preserve a legacy for your children?
In this case, the answer was financial security. I ran the math to determine how much Claire would need to live comfortably for the rest of her life, even if Robert died tomorrow. The best path? Leaving his IRA to Claire, because as a spouse, she could stretch the tax benefits and wouldn’t be forced into early distributions. Meanwhile, we used life insurance to fund a trust for his adult children. That money was tax-free, outside the estate, and protected.
It was a win-win: Claire had stability. Robert’s children received a clear, protected legacy. No tension. No confusion. Just clean, intentional planning.
Case Two: Karen — Rebuilding Confidence After Divorce
Karen had just finalized her divorce from Thomas, a longtime partner at a major consulting firm who was earning nearly $1 million a year. Their two daughters were grown and successful. But Karen, like many women in long marriages, hadn’t been involved in managing the finances. She was bright and capable, but understandably overwhelmed. Suddenly, she was responsible for important decisions about money.
Karen had received pensions, a home, and even a permanent life insurance policy (which we transferred into her name). We modeled her cash flow through age 100 and worked closely with estate planning attorneys to put everything in a living trust. She wanted to treat her daughters equally, which was easy to do given their independence and her own resources.
Then she remarried. Her new husband, Daniel, made around $800,000 a year. Suddenly, new questions emerged:
- Should Karen use her own assets to buy their new home?
- Why was she withdrawing $12,000/month from her trust brokerage account when they didn’t need the money?
- Would this jeopardize her long-term security?
Despite her wealth, Karen often felt broke—a common emotional pitfall for women in the aftermath of divorce, especially when they’re still building financial confidence. She needed a financial plan, but just as importantly, she needed a framework, a translation layer, and someone she could trust to walk her through this second chapter without judgment.
Confidence doesn’t always come from the numbers, it comes from understanding what those numbers mean and how to act on them.
Case Three: Alan — When Doing Nothing Costs Everything
Alan owned a $30M manufacturing company and had three children from a prior marriage—one of whom had special needs. His new wife, Emily, had two children of her own, wasn’t working, and had no financial assets.
The couple had never discussed estate planning, business succession, or what would happen if he died. There was no will. No trust. No buy-sell agreement. His business partner was terminally ill, and his company was his only major asset.
The first step was identifying their shared goal: To ensure the surviving spouse had financial security, then pass the remainder to his children.
Next, we developed a plan to achieve it:
- Allocate a specific amount to Emily to ensure lifetime financial independence
- After both spouses passed, the remaining value would go to his kids
- Include protections for the special needs child
- Use life insurance to create liquidity
It was a clean, rational strategy. But emotions derailed everything.
Emily insisted that her children be treated exactly equally, despite the fact that the company was Alan’s pre-marital asset, built over decades, and her children had no stake in it. Alan, stuck between logic and conflict, froze.
Despite paying for planning, legal work, appraisals, and valuations, Alan ultimately walked away. “I’ll just do nothing,” he told me. “If I move forward, I’ll probably get divorced again.”
Avoiding the hard conversations doesn’t preserve peace, it just delays chaos.
Blended Families Deserve Better Planning
Blended families are the new norm, yet most estate and financial plans are still built as if every household looks like a 1950s sitcom. The truth is, legacy planning in blended families requires more than templates. It demands clarity, coordination, and above all, a neutral party who can facilitate the tough conversations everyone wants to avoid.
Your version of fairness won’t look like anyone else’s, and that’s okay, but your plan has to be intentional. Because when it’s not, you don’t just risk litigation or financial stress, you risk tearing apart the very family you were trying to protect.
Thank you, Meredith, for this insightful guest post! You can learn more about Meredith Moore and Artisan Financial Strategies at https://artisanfsonline.com/about